I'm getting pretty ballsy nowadays.

I'm starting to realize it would be a lot easier to put the pieces back together rather than find new pieces.
I'm happier than I've been in weeks, it's a start.

I'm your temporary solution to your permanent problem.

Yeah, you were right about me.
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
and in the choir I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?

All I can think of lately is how badly I want to move out. I just have this image in my head of me and my room which I get to decorate myself, incense burning all the time, classic rock playing in the background constantly and me laying around in a sundress smoking bowls, its perfection. and seeing all my friends being happy in college far away, it made me think if I made the right decision by staying here another year, and then yesterday learning that most of my coworkers are in there mid 20's and are still working at a "job" nd not a career inspired me to never be like that. I dont know what Im trying to get at by this, but it turns out I failed my trig class, and I'm dissapointed in myself kind of. I need a break from school so bad. I wish I could be done with math but I have 4 more classes ahead of me. I'm saving up for the down payment on a motor scooter, yeee

I'm pretty content with my life right now, although I feel like I shouldnt be.
My job is pretty cool, I like spending my time with someone, and I'm slowly easing my anger problems and I'm overall a really better person than I use to be, I love it.

Portions for Foxes

aka, my relationship.

theres blood in my mouth
cause ive been biting my tongue all week
i keep on talking trash but i never say anything
and the talking leads to touching
and the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
and its bad news
baby im bad news
im just bad news bad news bad news
i know im alone if im with or without you
but just being around you offers me another form of relief
when the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to calling you
and i call you and say come here!
and its bad news
baby im bad news
im just bad news bad news bad news
and its bad news
baby its bad news
its just bad news bad news bad news
cause your just damage control for a walking corpse like me
like you
cos we'll all be
portions for foxes
yeah we'll all be
portions for foxes
theres a pretty young thing in front of you
and shes real pretty and shes real into you
and then shes sleeping inside of you
and the talking leads to touching
and the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
and its bad news
i dont blame you
id do the same thing
i get lonely to
and your bad news
my friends tell me to leave you
that your bad news bad news bad news

I'm so sick and tired of all these people in my life who I "Deal with". For clarification, those people who act a certain way or do something, and even though you don't like it, you deal with it for the sake of, I don't know.. Having them in your life? I think I've been putting my real happiness aside for temporary happiness, and having people who don't benefit me at all or truly make me happy just because I need someone to fill in an empty space. Ya dig? But I think I should save that empty space for someone who truly deserves it, not just give it out to anybody.

Other than that, I can say that practicing Buddhism is probably the only thing that has been keeping me sane for the past several months. Even though I frequently practice compassion towards other people, I'm trying to start practicing it with myself now.

at the end of the night, I just want someone to tell my day to. But that someone has been something for the past several years. I wish it could go back to being someone.
and that sentence probably only makes sense to me :]

and as I'm listening to the cure, I'm contemplating the fact that If I were born a decade or two ago, I probably wouldve been a goth haha.

when good goes bad.

I'm surrounding myself with bad influences and I fucking love it. I find it hilarious how I've managed to do pretty good academically this past semester, and with only a month left, I meet someone and go fuck everything up. I havent done homework/studied/showed up to class consistently for a couple weeks and I hate myself for it but am getting a wierd sense of pleasure from being rebelious. I suppose these things happen after sticking to the rules for so long.
and other then that,I'm completely confused on what I want to do with my life right now. Oh the pressures of being a young adult.

I am now an employee of
It's going to be a lot different from my previous retail jobs. Professional clothing, older people, commission. I'm excited.

I can't wait for Friday. Hard Festival raavveeein


On another note, I've finally broke out into the dating scene again, and I find it hilarious that 2 different guys whom I was interested in turned out to be gay/bi/dont know what they are. I just have the best luck ever.

L dot A dot

I'm trying my best to take advantage of every day I have left here. Yesterday I took a nice drive by myself to Westwood, somewhere I've never been before, but I wanted to check out some local thrift stores that I've heard much buzz about. I got lost a million times, I got frustrated with traffic and the lack of public parking in the busy areas, and I realized how much I love living here. I can't even imagine how much different my life would be if I grew up living in some small town somewhere else in the US. I don't want to get all philosophical and whatnot, but I sometimes wonder out of all the world, why was I born next to one of the biggest cities in the world and I'm very thankful to how being here has given me so much opportunity, perspective, and knowledge. I take for granted that I'm at one of the cultural centers of the world, no where else am I going to be next to biggest variety of shopping from the best thrift stores, the designers, I'm not going to have melrose, little tokyo to buy my japanese fashion magazines, the best mexican food, the best night life, everything at the tip of my finger. I don't want to brag at all, so I'm just going to say I'll miss it a lot. Los Angeles aside, I'll miss Pasadena the most, it is probably one of the most unique cities I've ever been in. Driving from old town to the top of Lake, being from an urban area to the mountains in less than 5 minutes, driving down all those mansions on orange grove and a couple minutes later being in a notorious gang area, so many different life styles and cultures in one city, it's amazing. So I'm trying my best to take advantage of this last year I have here, it's kind of sad but I'm so excited for what lays in front of me.
In the way of academics, I've been focusing a lot on what colleges I'm applying to next month and I discovered an amazing school that I'm really interested in, Cal State Monterey Bay, It's a block away from the beach and has a good environmental science program. So I'm sure I'm going to be going there if I don't go to UCSB, UCD or UCSC or cal poly slo. I'm so impatient for March, I want to know where my future lays.
and it seems that I only feel like writing in here when I'm pretty drunk, pretty sad. I guess that's the only way I can gather my thoughts together.

Its funny looking at my itunes "recently played" and seeing how much my music taste changes depending on my mood and current life situations. Right now I can relate to almost every Kate Nash song and well as other amazing female musicians such as jenny lewis and lily allen. I've realized now how much better life is with some sense of closure. it always stresses me out to have things left untied. I'm more inspired now than ever to step out of my shell and explore whats in front of me.

Incase I haven't made it clear yet, I FUCKING LOVE going to school 8 hours then immediately going to work for another 7 or 8 hours, coming home at midnight, having to do homework for an hour or two then waking up at 6 am to go back to school. My body feels dead and I'm the most stressed/exhausted/aggravated/sad I've been in my life. All I can think about is my old psychology teacher teaching us about "delayed gratification." All this hard work will pay off. and for the record, I havent seen any of my friends in around 2 weeks, and I'm going crazy.